News Brief

Respect Elders. Methuselah, an Australian lungfish believed to be the oldest fish in captivity, turned 65 last November. After receiving a cake and a serenade from local schoolchildren, Methuselah complained of an aching back and the rising cost of prescription drugs before telling the kids to get the hell out of her sight.

Tank Prank. It must've been a slow news day in Peoria, Illinois, when the local newspaper ran an article titled "Peorian Finds Octopus in Toilet." A sanitation inspector, plumber, pet shop employee, and the mayor were interviewed about how an octopus could make it through the town's sewer system and into a man's toilet. They should've questioned his girlfriend, who later admitted to the practical joke.

Bait and Switch. Call to save the manatees and get pay-per-minute phone sex! When the Florida Marine Patrol changed its toll-free number, Intimate Encounters acquired the digits which were still listed on some of the Patrol's materials. Reportedly, the sex hotline has taken over defunct numbers before-its mistresses have greeted callers of the World Wildlife Fund and the conservative publication Policy Review.

Triple Threat. Three Poles are facing animal cruelty charges for allegedly forcing a pike to drink champagne. The trio said they were trying to reinvigorate the fish for a New Year's celebration, but the pike said he goes well with white wine, not champagne, and claimed his evening was ruined by the unpalatable pairing.